Surgery

Thank you. I am working on starting more sentences with this phrase. More thoughts and self-talk as well. Today I am saying thank you to my body. To the life giving force within me that carried and birthed babies. To the miracle. And offering gratitude to this part of myself even as I choose to have it removed. This is also an indication of how exhausted I have become. That I would leap at the suggestion of removing that which cradled my children before they could breath air. They said six week recovery time and I said, “yes please”. Because that’s all I could hear – recovery time. Six weeks. Six weeks to rest. Six weeks without decisions, or commitments; without meetings and obligations. Six weeks without someone calling in sick. No angry, frightened patients sounding off on the phone (or in my lobby). Six weeks to recover from the onslaught of pandemic anxiety, governmental upheaval, and climate catastrophe. I just needed to recover. From so much more than surgery. I saw an opportunity to recover from what life has become. This is what the last two years have done to me. So completely burnt out that I chose excision in order to have an excuse to rest. Because alone, I could not make myself slow down. I couldn’t guilt myself into leaving on time or not picking up shifts. I kept asking the universe for help managing the impossible. And then one day, a spot showed up on an ultrasound. My options were to do nothing (perfectly reasonable – probably benign), or take everything out. Today I have fewer pieces than when I came into this world. Because God has done for me what I could not do for myself. The pathologist found nothing, no fibroid at all. Was it a mistake? Hell no! I have pictures. It was exactly what it needed to be. A break from that which I could not let go. It was this part of my body giving me one last gift. A chance to breath. A moment of respite. Quiet hours at home with my children. No pressure to solve any problems. No expectations that I plan a meal or an activity. Just like the days right after they were born. No calls from the hospital. No unwelcome emails. My body gave me more time with the little lives it created. A blessing. A chance to step back. Recovery.

So today, I say “thank you”.

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