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Stepping Away

I’m not going to be one of those women that hammer myself into the ground doing something that is clearly killing me. In a culture that continues to validate exhaustion, I decided to take the unpopular path and step away for a while. I could keep going, probably for a long a time. I wasn’tContinue reading “Stepping Away”

Getting There

I don’t often share publicly about my sober journey. Perhaps because I am afraid it will change the way others perceive me – that they will assume me less competent or less stable. But the truth is, I don’t believe I am any less or more of anything because I used to drink. And IContinue reading “Getting There”

Tranquila

Want to know what I’m doing right now? Today? In this moment? I’m teaching my nervous system that we do things differently now. It’s been two years of hypervigilance. Two years of living in an elevated state of constant assessing for potential threats. Two years of inflammation. Two years. When I opened the door toContinue reading “Tranquila”

Love Language

When I was growing up, my mother was the primary cook in our house. But she didn’t just “cook”, she nourished. She also explored. After traveling to Palestine, she began making za’atar from scratch. A pilgrimage to see the Pyramids meant a journey into homemade hummuses and lentil dishes. She fell in love with foreignContinue reading “Love Language”

Surgery

Thank you. I am working on starting more sentences with this phrase. More thoughts and self-talk as well. Today I am saying thank you to my body. To the life giving force within me that carried and birthed babies. To the miracle. And offering gratitude to this part of myself even as I choose toContinue reading “Surgery”

Who’s job IS it?

My husband left a pile of dirty laundry beside the stairs while we are sharing a vacation home with my sister-in-law. I don’t think it belongs there. I am considering moving it so that my sister-in-law won’t think she has to take care of it. I don’t know that she would. This is insignificant. IContinue reading “Who’s job IS it?”

I’m still so afraid of having people see me trip. But maybe this is important, for other people to see me be human, to see me change, to see me grow

My whole life since 6 yrs old I have been afraid of losing my mom. It was (before I had children) the worst thing I could imagine happening. Then I lost my mom and I survived. And suddenly I had this new perspective on life. Like, if I survived that, think of what else IContinue reading “I’m still so afraid of having people see me trip. But maybe this is important, for other people to see me be human, to see me change, to see me grow”

Trauma

I used to think that I needed to have an excuse for my mental illness. Some history of deep trauma. Some catastrophic episode to explain my suffering or a series of unfortunate events to validate my need to seek help. But maybe, this is just one more thing the world has told me that IContinue reading “Trauma”

JOY

Yesterday, I walked out into the freezing rain and instantly felt tired. The cold made me angry. The sky was dark and grey and sad. When I cannot see the sun, I forget that it is there. I am reminded of all the suffering in the world. I feel it seeping into my bones alongContinue reading “JOY”

MUSIC

It’s been a year and a half. A year and a half of crying, meditating, breathing, and praying. A year and a half of learning, of adapting. It’s been full and messy and eye opening. And it has all happened without a soundtrack. Music told too many stories, evoked too many memories. I was alreadyContinue reading “MUSIC”

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